“It feels reductive, look it up…”

…is what Madonna said, when asked to comment on Born This Way‘s similarities to her hit Express Yourself, in her usual droll monotone as if Gaga is a fly that she could crush in an instant.

This sense of grandeur and importance is what I’ve always loved about her, she’s not nice, she’s not approachable, she’s fucking terrifying and she knows it.

This attitude is how she became the Queen of Pop and she has a right to act this way but it all hinges on her new album MDNA, a brilliantly playful title which says ‘LOL at me trying to be youthful’ but also ‘I was double dropping before you were born you useless wannabes’ it’s promising that for the first time in ages she’s not taking herself so seriously.

Now Madge’s laughable film-making and acting endeavours throughout her career have always, correctly, been overshadowed by her pop prowess but not since 2005’s Confessions On A Dancefloor has she really made a record worthy of a global superstar.

So after the underwhelming Hard Candy and various other projects that no one really cares about, clothes, books, films, her profile is at the lowest it’s been in years.

So I’ve decided, as I’m the only person to challenge her ‘Queen of Pop’ title, that after a disappointingly safe last album, what her new album needs to be:

– Fearless – Madonna has always been one step ahead through out her career (and all the other clichés that are attached to her.. reinvention, boundaries, blah blah blah.. ) and this is down to her fearlessness. Not afraid to go her own way, work with whom she wants, sing about what she wants and make a record that sounds the way she wants it to.

– Age Appropriate – She looks great and by ‘age appropriate’ I don’t mean she should put her fanny away it means she should stop asking Lourdes what’s cool, what’s hip, what the 411 is as if she’s Regina’s mum in Mean Girls. She doesn’t know! When I was 15 I was pretending to like Panic! At The Disco and 50 Cent, because that’s what all the kids at school were listening to, when really I was spinning around my room to Hung Up. Don’t try and be something you’re not, we can tell.

– Pop – As the Queen of Pop she should make a pop record. Chart fads come and go, whether it’s clattering Timbaland beats, swooping Guetta trance or wobbly dubstep but good pop surpasses these phases. It needs to be big, confident pop music form a big, confident artist.

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